My Corkboard add your jokes here
It will look like this:
BECAUSE IM A GUY
Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...
50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."
49. "That works better the other way around."
48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"
47. "Damn, that's complicated"
46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."
45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"
44. "You guys need a value pak."
43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"
42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"
41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."
40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."
39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.
38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."
37. Suggest your favorite position.
36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."
35. "Bring in the Gimp!"
34. "Hold that pose!"
33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.
32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."
31. Sing "Shake your bootie."
30. "A little to the left."
29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"
28. "Is there room for two in there?"
27. "Two words: penis extension."
26. Invite others in as a cheering section.
25. Charge admission at the door.
24. Make and hold up score cards.
23. All of them should read 6.9.
22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.
21. "Maybe it would help if you..."
20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."
19. "That's what you call erect?"
18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"
16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"
14. "May I cut in?"
13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"
11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.
10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"
9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'
7. "Let's make a sandwich!"
6. "Is that hard enough for you?"
5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"
4. "I think you dropped something."
3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"
2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"
1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"
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